🦄 uwuu 🦄

12.07.26 10:30 - and yeah, having a hangover, and feeling not good about taking than many drugs without a reason or purpose. and now the head is tired and scrambled by those feelings, but fine, just need to sleep and etc.

12.07.26 09:44 - also, i think i should mention this, since yesterday i'm feeling very happy, i have very strong feelings for someone, and i'm happy to see those feeling appear anyway even with all the events, pain, and in general living a life for the suicide of age. i don't know what's going on, but i know some things, first, i really like this person, sometimes think that not, later only to find more deep feelings for them. second, i don't know why, but the person says nice things, even without talking about this everything seems different, clearer, less psychotic. third, i don't remember, just going to say meowmeowmeoeowprrrprprrrr. there's something else, but it's annoying to think about(related to something in the past).

12.07.26 09:44 - didn't sleep for already a lot, whole night was taking drugs that didn't plan to take, especially this happened right at the moment when i felt really stable, and i couldn't control me to not spoil a moment, feeling shame.

11.07.26 09:10 - so, i'm outside, had a nice walk vaping dmt, then had a sit, in general didn't have much of dmt left, but it was enough for this mild lsd effect, grass breathing, the floor is moving, feeling free with the wind blowing.

11.07.26 08:19 - slept well, some almost 9 hours, not sure if i woke up a single time, wow. when woke up saw some thing that makes me happy. have a lot of things to do today, going to some second hands, planning to smoke some dmt, and after take some speed, and later go to see some friend, a very busy day. :D

10.07.26 17:46 - also, one could think "oh, what a terrible idea to make things like that public". i have some thoughts about it: first, it's my page, i can do whatever i want and big tech can suck it. second, if somebody reads it it means i interest them, so i want to give my heart and soul to people who share this way of communicating. third, with those people, or just with anyone in general i want to be maximally opened, and if somebody doesn't like something they can suck an egg and go and kill themselves. but if things i say resonate in other people, these people are welcome to stick, i don't want to be a friend of somebody if i always need to wear a mask. fourth, at some point i got the idea that instead of trying to explain to anyone or a doctor how i feel and live, i can just write everything here and they can see how with time i change and what experiences i have.

10.07.26 17:27 - feeling a little bit that i want to hide.. seeing happy people hurts me, because of this in harsh moments i prefer to look at the floor when walking.

10.07.26 16:29 - boooriiing, want the things to move, or take drugs, but feeling too tired for drugs. or would like to sleep fucking well to be able to do many other things, to be able to move the things myself. rn i'm so tired, eyes hurt, just sitting and feeling physically bad, i'm tired of nothing going well. today going to take other sleeping pills that work better without so many side effects, the only thing is that it's not recommended to take them often.

10.07.26 11:38 - actually, now already feeling better, went outside, the weather is nice, got some postres, fruits, ice cream, juice. writing this outside sitting on a bench, feeling more stable. there are some things that i don't like or feel worried about, but i'm going home to play the guitar for half a day and eat ice cream.

10.07.26 10:33 - feeling a little disconnected, feeling a little problematic, feeling a little doomed as a person, feeling a little withered, feeling a little empty, feeling that i will never be happy. but about the last one, i'm always talking about happy sad, etc, there're two tupes of happy and sad, one is day to day i'm jumping and singing but i'm feeling dead inside, and the other one is being depressed, so in the last one i mean not being dead inside.

10.07.26 10:33 - i feel like shit a little bit again, even after taking the pills for sleeping which are actually pills for major(probably it means good) depressive disorder. they don't seem to work neither for sleeping nor for depression. i would really like to take drugs if i can't sleep and therefore can't do anything during the day, but the pills can't be combined with many things, including the drugs i would take.

10.07.26 08:09 - so, the pill stopped working, only now have even more side effects. since some weeks agobi was changing, but especially not being able to sleep well makes me very angry or frustrated. even so, i'm pretty snarky lately, pretty unfriendly.

10.07.26 01:05 - hehe, a little bit sad after writing the last one. :) also it took like 40 minutes to write it.

10.07.26 01:05 - did many productive or creative things today, a little weird but completely happy, with a very good control of what's going on in my head. in general being able to sleep for the first time in weeks made this day. there's only one thing that disturbs me, sorry for whining, i'm feeling that i'm separating from someone again, it makes me feel like i'm betraying myself or somebody, gives some sad thoughts that all the promises are eventually broken. and, rn i don't here anything from this person, and some bad thoughts appear from time to time, but rn i'm pretty stable, and now i trust this person more than before, so i'm not feeling bad about it, i can wait, but can't send more messages, whole this time i'm already feeling that i'm inflicting(?) myself on that person, and with more messages i'm feeling worse about it. but not a problem, now i'm ok, and the person all the time seems to be saying that they want to talk to me, so i trust that person.

10.07.26 01:05 - another night, another sleeping pill that makes me hear voices. let's see.

09.07.26 07:36 - soo.. the pills have worked, i slept almost 10 hours with two wake ups, but.. i have a rare rare side effect: psychosis.. ._. so yeah, now i sleep better, finally feeling rested, but when taking a quater of a pill i have halucinations of different types, some of them the psychosis type, and i hear fucking whispers..

08.07.26 20:35 - and yay, i got some antidepressants to sleep better, haven't tried yet, but i'm full of hope and for the sleep, and to stabilize my mood better maybe.

08.07.26 20:07 - ah, and probably something even more interesting. last week did the tests of blood and other things, everything is fine, except the blood sugar, the doctor asked me if i eat, and that i should've not been standing with such low blood sugar, i actually felt fine.

08.07.26 18:51 - the first line reads "i'm back to normal". also yeah, i'm feeling pretty good. i would like to share some feelings or say some big words, but right now without fear i'm being cautious to not fall into any mental traps from before.

08.07.26 08:04 - after trying to fall asleep for whole this time and taking more sleeping pills i'm feeling physically destroyed.

08.07.26 05:00 - there's one big thing left. for almost one year i was feeling how i was getting more and more empty, like it feels like i'm dying. lately i felt sudden changes from god to trash in spans of days, and other things. so, if before those things were happening i was balancing, often times well, about who i am and what i do, now it feels like somebody took the biggest chunk of me, i barely understand who i am. as a note, right now right now i'm feeling better and mentally, and i'm feeling trust to some people. without much talking, i will try my best to be a better person.

08.07.26 05:00 - again, 5 hours of sleep after 24 hours of no sleep.. even with taking sleeping pills.. sitting thinking, the hard part of bpd is almost gone, things happened because it was May, usually i control my life really really well, not without exceptions or bad moments, but almost perfect taking everything good and leaving everything bad. but chronic depression followed by bpd's lows turned into a serious depression, also fueled by bpd, and like stronger depressions it's something i'm really bad at. it consumes all your life and leaves without any energy.

07.07.26 09:04 - in general, feeling a drag, feeling lost, feeling doomed, but i'm ok, it's just i'm still exiting a very complicated state, and in general to feel myself more or less a god as always i need to have well structured dillusions low level of internal conflict in my head.

07.07.26 08:47 - and also the character was talking about other people, and i'm like other people, how can you talk so easily about other people without getting worried.

07.07.26 08:47 - and like the worst started from accidentally watching a random sceen where the character says very confident things, but meanwhile i'm getting anxious leaving the house, and i started thinking about it, and got anxious. :<

07.07.26 08:47 - uf, better and better, i swear. at night felt good, but at some point thought about one thing, started to worry, wanted to find some sceen from anime, it got worse, and later was watching different sceenes and listening to music that always makes me cry. now pretty depressed.

06.07.26 06:40 - this is actually the way to live the life. impermanence, suffering, emptiness. three marks of existence, budhism.

05.07.26 14:22 - ok, it's more like i'm disgusted of myself. i'm tired of being me.

05.07.26 13:53 - i'm pretty emotionally calm, it even feels like a betrayal of myself. probably i'm a little emotionally exhausted for today. this is not derealization, i swear. let's see when i break again.

05.07.26 07:01 - i would like this certain someone to see the messages below, but don't want to get into this emotional trap again, especially when i'm not sure that all the things that i preceived as signs of that person for me to be closer weren't my hallucinations. in general, see many things and all of the situations that happened recently as something cryptic, kind of see meaning and plots in many things that happen.. and hell.. the worst is that experience shows that most of the times in my life when i had this feeling i was right.

05.07.26 05:55 - still don't understand, or even, don't want to think about what the situation really was.. first, i really wanted the things to be the way i wanted, so i'm really affraid that i was seeing what i wanted instead of the reality. second, i'm really convinced that that wasn't my imagination, but because i was so desparately trying to get what i wanted, and couldn't, i was getting frustrated and overwhelmed with pain(even though now i see that some of the things were phrased to support my second point, but just by seeling some words i couldn't hold and was getting very upset). so, the wish to feel euphoria was constantly inurrupted with the need to protect myself from bigger future pain. and probably third, more than feeling empty i don't like to do harm to people, so i always think that people are better off without me anyway, if i see that they don't like something. or fear to reject somebody without understanding somebody's intentions completely. and this is the reason why i don't want to show any of this that i write here to that certain someone.

05.07.26 05:55 - feeling bad. i don't know how to put it.. have memories of endlessly good and endlessly bad feelings about a certain person, and at the end the fear balances my wish to be with that certain someone. but honestly, i still want that euphoria, and probably only with that certain person.

05.07.26 04:38 - stupid dreams, especially stupid when i see people that i don't need to see.

04.07.26 01:39 - argh, did something that wasn't safe, and now the emotions are taking over a little bit again. for now trying to not do anything more unsafe.

04.07.26 00:38 - still feeling anti-positive things from time to time, but these are the consequences now i have to deal with, that's fine. some things make me a little unstable again.

04.07.26 00:38 - yesterday went to a hospital, they said that i can suck it, and that i can only get help with my head only in the moments when i feel bad.

03.07.26 06:23 - again fell asleep but slept an hour and something.. this is annoying.. see very weird dreams, and when wake up i feel very dark.

03.07.26 01:38 - found out why aliens were following me after dmt. thought it was mdma related, but not.. mixing stimulants and psychodelics is a shortcut to psychosis. and there are some people who describe similar things happen to them. and if i think like that, i was blaming the new batch of dmt of being bad, but i received it before amphetamine, was taking dmt, everything was cool, received amphetamine and started taking it more and more often while continuing from time to time smoking dmt, and things got bad.

03.07.26 01:05 - i'm feeling better. want to say good words to a person who i unintentionally ignored a little.

03.07.26 00:41 - tbh, probably still holding on some dillusion or hope of some things to happen, but it feels much softer, and i don't think that much of this as before.

03.07.26 00:41 - wanted to sleep a lot, woke up after one hour without a reason, had a weird dream, feeling helpless, but also see things more clearly now, and feeling that i'm such a difficult person.

02.07.26 21:35 - and.. still a little depressed, but i'm always a little depressed. even writing this makes me think that killing myself is a solution, but it's much better than a week or two ago when i was thinking only about this.

02.07.26 21:35 - feeling stable, but tired because didn't sleep much, but more time passes and more i see people more anxiety i feel, need more time really.

02.07.26 04:10 - i'm much much better. i'm feeling like i'm back.

31.06.26 22:38 - blinding euphoria turns into black flames that leave endless emptiness. i'm not even sad because of some thing in particular.. it's just this rollercoaster is really hard, head can't understand it.

30.06.26 22:25 - drug bombardment. want to go to the hospital so they give me some pills that will make me a vegetable.

30.06.26 15:54 - fuck, i'm again in a disaster. i don't want to live. i hate people. i hate myself. i'm so tired of this, i can't do it anymore, everything hurts. i'm asking all the gods in the world, please kill me.

29.06.26 11:15 - also, it's probable that i'm again just making wrong assumptions about good things that i think happen to me, but the worst has already passed, so i won't fall that deep again.

29.06.26 10:43 - all the good and bad things that happen make me very tired of being sad, so i'm even angry.

29.06.26 10:43 - feeling almost back. only hppd is raging. sleep really badly. and some things that make me really happy still make me feel pain, like euphoria mixed with pieces of glass.

27.06.26 11:18 - i should not trust anyone. humans are not good.

27.06.26 11:18 - stopped considering opioids as a solution. success.

26.06.26 09:50 - much better. everything hurts. want the world to burn, but for now i'm feeling better.

26.06.26 05:56 - self-harm is the only good thing that happens to me lately, and the only thing that can calm me. i even want to sleep, finally.

25.06.26 10:43 - i don't know what to do, i'm scared

25.06.26 05:34 - in general feeling better, having some hope and not pretending to postpone killing myself every day. but still i should be careful and get distracted.

25.06.26 05:34 - the day before yesterday had a nap and saw a dream i wish i've never had. got high. next days will be difficult.

24.06.26 00:26 - no human being deserves this suffering that i'm experiencing right now